If, as God commanded in Genesis, a man should leave his own parents and cleave to his wife, it would seem that her kin, her homeland, her lineage, would be the familial reference point for our definition of “family.” It makes sense — in a post-Fall world, women were too easily victimized by men under the unGodly patriarchy that sprung to life after Adam and Eve were expelled from Eden. Locating the center of the new family’s beginning with her family, under the protection, if need be, of her relatives, ensured that what we now call “domestic violence” would be far less likely to occur. It would also result in matrilineal and matrilocal societies that conferred status and security to their women.
Tragically, as God predicted, a woman’s desire would be for oneness with her husband, but, because of the toxin of sin that entered the world after the Fall, he would “rule over her.” It seems that the first step toward male rule and the establishment of patriarchy occurred the very first time a man violated God’s command and took a wife from the protection of her people and set her under his rule, in his household, among his people.
The patriarchy thing hasn’t worked well for women ever since — even when practiced by loving Christian men comforted by easy readings of Scripture that appear to ensure their command and control over those in his family. I’m not advocating that every Christian man settle in his wife’s hometown, with her family, after marriage. I am suggesting that Godly marriages should recognize the woman’s vulnerability to male control and oppression — oppression that often occurs in Christian homes under the seemingly benign labels of “male headship,” “Godly masculinity,” and “soft patriarchy.” But from sinful sources come sinful institutions, and thousands of years of women’s suffering at the hands of men powered by patriarchal privilege has confirmed it.
A good start, then, in honoring God’s intent in marriage would be to enthrone Christ Jesus as the only head of two humble, loving, committed people who deny at every turn the unfair privileges and restrictions conferred by the Fall while outdoing one another not only in honoring their spouses, but honoring and submitting mutually to everyone God puts in their path.
So, if I were at Church and a man asked me to get him a cup of coffee, I would gladly do so — not because he’s a man, not even because he’s a brother, and not with apologies to my husband, but simply because I’m empowered in Christ to cheerfully submit to others. It doesn’t “honor” patriarchy for me to submit to a man. It honors patriarchy when I submit to a man out of compunction — especially if that man is my husband, and especially if he were to presume it just because he’s been taught it’s Biblical.
You say that Christ ought to be the head of a Christian couple. I agree. But you seem to indicate that one ought not to be in leadership over the other at all.
Is that right? And if so, what about children – would you say that same concerning them, and that there ought not to be any leadership over them, or are they equal in leadership in the exact same way both their parents are?
Just curious where you stand on that.
Comment by Daniel Foucachon — June 22, 2009 @ 8:37 am
Thanks, Daniel, for writing. I do believe that there is no place for hierarchy between wives and husbands, yes, but I absolutely believe that parents, together, must be in authority over children. In fact, I think you’d be surprised at how strict a parent I’ve been — I’m dismayed at the “family democracy” ideas of modern parenting. It’s one thing to value childrens’ input into decision-making, and that input should be considered the older they get — because it’s fruit of how they were parented. On the other hand, I’m not much for giving 5-year-olds license to set their own bedtimes or embark on the diets they choose. The Ephesians 5 commands for submission are mutual (if not, then only husbands have to love and only wives have to submit, still ignoring the mandate that we submit “one to another” in Christ. But parents are stewards of the children God give them, and it’s not only desirable but crucial that moms and dads nurture, with appropriate authority, the spiritual and intellectual lives of their kids. And, for all it’s worth, Daniel, I don’t believe in corporal punishment, except — maybe — as an attention-commanding method practiced RARELY, like a swat on a diapered bottom. Jeff and I swatted our kids maybe half a dozen times total, and each time represented “not my best” moments as a mom. They’ve turned out just fine — good young men who love Christ and respect their parents.
Thank you for your comments, and I hope you keep reading. Blessings,
Keely
Comment by Keely Emerine Mix — June 22, 2009 @ 11:36 pm