Prevailing Winds "For the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom . . ." 2 Cor. 3:17, TNIV

December 11, 2009

John Eldredge on The Two People In A Marriage

Filed under: Uncategorized — keelyem @ 5:41 pm

John Eldredge, evangelicalism’s ruggedly handsome go-to guy on being a guy and other stuff, has a new marriage book out with his lovely wife, Stasi.

Eldredge stormed onto the Christian publishing field a few years ago with “Wild At Heart,” an explanation of what the Church and society have done to wither mens’ souls and a defense of Rugged Christian Manliness as a defiant response. “Wild at Heart” is a call to fly fishing, mountain climbing, and other masculine pursuits — well, he identifies them as masculine — that teach men how to be heroes of the Great Adventure God has placed them in, how to lead their wives and children like sensitive, intrepid conquerors, and how to banish the effect of the icy cold water of modern society on their hearts and . . . stooped, burdened shoulders.

“Wild” was a publishing sensation — Eldredge has gone on to write numerous other books, and they’ve all, like “Wild,” spun off innumerable attendant study guides and booklets, journals and calendars, and “Wild” niche merchandise. Although I didn’t find the “Wild at Heart” licensed machete with filleting blade and cuticle nippers; it wasn’t listed in the 113 Eldredge products for sale online at Christian Book Distributors, which features “Wild at Heart” and other Eldredge books in a frightful number of permutations.

But it was “Wild” that made this former Focus on the Family staffer, a father of three ruggedly handsome, masculine but sensitive boys, not just a publishing goldmine but a spokesman for complementarian men, family, and marriage. And Stasi, who is as pretty as our hero deserves, has her own stuff, mostly written to remind gals that their innermost dream is to be rescued by a strong, handsome, virile man. Jesus, of course, is ultimately that man — this is Christian publishing, after all — but he is represented in marriage by a rock-steady, rock-hard, rock-climbing Christian husband.

Men in the Eldredge mold shy away (steadfastly reject, turn away in disgust, set their steely gaze far from) the “feminized” evangelical Church. They wince — grimace, frown, grunt in disapproval — at the feelings-based, touchy-feely, Jesus-as-nice-guy focus of the contemporary megachurch. Eldredge wants them fishing on Saturdays but in Church on Sundays, and calls for the Church to begin to understand men and thus stanch the tide of masculine defection from Christiandom. Men, after all, are the heads of families, and families — Intact, Gender-Delineanated and Athletically Robust — are the building blocks of the church.

That’s “church,” lower-case “c” and all.

And that’s because too often, the church that benefits from these IGDAR families is simply the church Eldredge’s readers attend, and those churches are built for the entertainment, perhaps even the edification, of families. I’m not convinced that the unmarried, once-married, never-married or horribly married, with or without children, gain the attention, encouragement, and edification they need — not in the suburban megachurch, not in Christiadom, and not in Eldredge’s books. Single-parent families, gay-parent families and unparented youth need the Church-capital-C and might even need the church; it’s clear that the Church needs them.

Families are important first because the people in them are, an obvious fact often disregarded nonetheless. The Church — the living stones that make up Christ’s Temple, the Body of the One who saves us — has every interest in strong families and fulfilled, secure, stable individuals. I’m not sure Christ wants exactly for his families what Eldredge does, but the Lord is the originator of family and he delights when obedience to him produces a household marked with joy, respect, and encouragement. But Christ is primarily the Savior of people — his covenant people, yes, but people first as individuals. A marriage cannot be healthy if the two in it aren’t. Two broken people cannot equal one healthy marriage; one person denied and one person fulfilled can’t, either. The Christian focus on saving marriage is fruitless if it refuses to focus on the health — spiritual, physical, and emotional — of the two people in it. A “saved” marriage is no victory if it means, ultimately, that divorce simply was forestalled while one or both partners is denied, dehumanized, or destroyed.

There is much to say about this, and much to tie in to “Quiverfull,” the book I reviewed with great excitement a couple of weeks ago. (Eldredge is not a figure in the Quiverfull culture, although he is strongly devoted to strict gender roles in marriage, believing them to be the best way — God’s way — for men to keep their ladies safe). For now, though, I’ll end with a snippet of Eldredge’s Cast of Characters in a marriage:

The man is Huck Finn. The woman is Cinderella. And things apparently will go well if he — wild and free, strong and charming if not a bit of a rogue — is given the all-clear to rescue his damsel in distress in their Colorado Springs culdesac.

If only it were that easy. If only it weren’t that offensive. I don’t read Eldredge beyond what I have to, and he’s only one of many complementarians with new and exciting takes on marriage. But Eldredge’s books are character-driven nods to fables and fairy tales, where men are dashing and women are simple.

I so I wonder how Huck ‘n Cindy will do when he’s diagnosed with ALS, or when she goes off to college to finish her Ph.D. in astrophysics. That book hasn’t been written, but there is a Book much less focused on what men ought to do and what women ought to do, AS men and women, and devoted instead simply to the imperative of love.

(John and Stasi Eldredge, “Love and War,” 2009)

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